I could make wine with my vomit
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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