This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
