I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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