Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I need to stop coming to work sober
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
