I looked at my own cervix.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
