Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
