mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
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I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
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How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
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