I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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