I think i peed on brittanys purse
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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