this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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