I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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