We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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