Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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