if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no more duck duck goose at the bar
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize