I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
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somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
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You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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