toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
You can't motorboat a personality
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
