I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
