you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
