I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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