Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
