My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
