He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I could fuck to npr.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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