first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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