Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
