i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
