Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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