I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
