dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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