uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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