Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
