dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
