theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
