he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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