i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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