In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
