Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
