she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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