I feel great
I just peed on a car
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize