Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
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BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
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