you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Randomize
