explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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