My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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