Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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