He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
