i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
