LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
