Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
