My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
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I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
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He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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