Acid is not a monday night drug
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
