I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
