He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
