I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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