she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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