I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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