omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
