Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
It's rum buckets o'clock
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
