I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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