I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
