yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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