I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
