You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize