I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
